With Each New Day Comes A New Year

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When I think back to the amount of times I’ve been in hospital it scares me.

I remember when I was younger asking my class friends in primary school  how many times they had been and they would say ‘I only went when I was born’ ….I used to be like what?!!!

I haven’t been in for almost a year…that’s the longest it’s been. But I remember being disabled by my own body. Unable to move because of the pain, unable to stay awake because of the medication, and unable to smile because of the four walls. I never used to want to smile either because I hated my life when I was tied to machines. I used to think it was pathetic. I would go to sleep as early as possible and the only thing I would look forward to would be to see my mum the next morning who would bring me some decent breakfast; a croissant and fresh juice, and a little something from Gregg’s!

I hated being woken up for dry toast and dense tea as early as the sun rose when I had nothing to do with my day. I hated the grimey bathroom  and having to wait for the beds to be made. People used to say watch tv, read a book and I will bring you some magazines but I didn’t care for any of if. I used to look forward to going back to sleep because then I could dream of the impossible.

When you physically can’t feel something, walk somewhere or see anything you lose sight of it. When you don’t have the light in front of you like when it’s dark in the mornings and you need the sun to reinforce it’s a new day. Or when you don’t have the guarantee that something better awaits it is so difficult to strengthen your mind into believing it’s true. When the doctors used to say ‘you have to stay’ I couldn’t see past that..all I could focus on was that moment in time and everything that I was missing out on then.

When people are sad or depressed they can’t see that tomorrow is a new day… But as you have lots of tomorrow’s you end up having a new year. And speaking for myself I never imagined that each year would hold as many opportunities as it has done. I can’t see what next year might bring, where I will be living or what job I might have.. I can’t even see into next week and what it will be like once I’ve completed my Masters course….all I can think of is now. How hard everything is and how much I want to relax without feeling guilty.

I think while everyone is in their minute they should fully be true to themselves. Whether it be joy or sadness feel what you feel and be who you want to be because tomorrow you will be a product of that. If you had a hard day..make tomorrow a better one, while you can.

There were people in hospital who couldn’t leave like I did…who can’t go on holidays like I can, who can’t get a job, spend time with friends, and breath in the fresh, crisp air like I can, and it is the most depressing feeling. It’s like being in a prison having done nothing wrong.

I love smiling in every photo now because I’m with my friends and family, or I’m in a good place and taking the right steps to get to where I want to be. When all your freedom is taken away from you that’s when you stop.

But know that after each day when you get into your own bed you will be waking up in your own bed..surrounded by your own possessions ready to live your day the way you want. Don’t hold yourself back, there will be enough things in life that will try to do that for you, but you’ve got to keep pressing on to make it to a new day.