The Snow Globe Effect
Takes a deep breath… and type…
I’ve been away from my blog for nearly 3 months. And I’ll tell you why,
In 3 months my world was in a snow globe and someone kept shaking it up and down. Every time the snow would settle into calm white bliss, someone would shake it up and disturb the peace.
And I kept having to shovel the snow out of unwanted places and smoothing it back down to be able to walk across it again.
This happened every week.
Want to talk about confidence? About insecurities? About trust and betrayal? – well I don’t have anything for you, because everything that I thought I knew to be right was wrong.
They say, there’s always a lesson learned. The only one I can see right now is to have no expectations of life but to hope for them.
I have had so many people let me down over the past few months, both family & friends and it really put things into perspective. I felt like every corner I turned I was being questioned and each time it knocked a little light out of me and it started to be replaced by darkness. Darkness from other peoples energy that had affected me, other peoples issues that they reflected on to me and darkness from how I started feeling about myself. I put on a mask everyday, a mask with a rosy smile and beaming eyes, and went to sleep every night and took it off.
This isn’t meant to be a sad blog, it does get better…
This month has been probably the best in the last 12 months because I’ve shedded the shit. I’m lucky because in the past two years I’ve seen who is genuine and who is not. I’ve learnt that not everyone has your best intentions even if they are ‘family’ and I’ve also learnt that I’m stronger and that there is a purpose to my being. I’ve also learnt that I have my own mind and my own judgement for a reason and shouldn’t feel bad if I don’t agree with a set of beliefs and to be honest I really don’t give a crap about what people think about me anymore and it’s the best feeling ever.
It feels like I’ve had a lot of crap tests condensed, back to back, but it’s cleared up my path for me quicker, which is great! Because… my vision is huge for the future. My vision that has turned into plans and goals is starting to take shape. I’m physically creating my own journey each day, not one that has been set out by family, friends and societies expectations and rules, but one of my own. Full of all the changes I want to be able to make, and doing things, learning and developing in a way that is creative and makes me happy.
I took up a brief job in marketing for a company and it was awful. I only did it for the money and it really wasn’t worth it, sitting in an office with 200 other hamsters just running a wheel. When I walked into the office in the morning it was dark and wet and when I left it was dark and wet. That is not how I want to spend my days. I remember sitting on the computer thinking, this company started out as a pea pod and now it’s a farm, I’d rather be putting those hours into my own pea pod. And I thought to myself, if I had a week to live I would not want to be spending it here. I understand that people sometimes need to be in that cycle and need to make money to support themselves and their families and I guess I’m lucky in that respect because my financial burdens aren’t too pressing. But I wouldn’t encourage anyone to make that their reality. Instead I would advise people to go and surround themselves with people that they want to be like, with people that have the lifestyles they want and with people that they can learn from. That’s exactly what I did. I started networking with female entrepreneurs and women in business, going to events and creating connections on LinkedIn and one thing led to the next…(I’ll tell you what the next is another time, that’s a secret for now)!
I also told you I was tutoring part time. Great hours, great money…except I wasn’t getting paid. The parent of the child who I was teaching hadn’t paid me for a significant amount of hours of work, and I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt because I didn’t want to have that awkward conversation. And then I had it. After having to chase up my pay, at 11pm at night I collected the money and felt intimated in doing so. At that point I remember wishing that I had a guy with me because I didn’t feel adequate enough myself, but I stood my ground and did it. Which was followed by the students dad telling me that he wanted to negotiate pay with me, that he was doing me a favour, he told me that I wasn’t worth my cost (which didn’t make sense because he had already agreed to my fee), and he also told me that he didn’t look at me like a business person but more like a ‘niece’ (which also didn’t make sense because we were in no way related, I didn’t even know his last name). And then he threw around his ego and then apologised a day later. Talk about negativity, other peoples shit and drama. Cut. Cut. Cut.
Through that experience though I found that people, love to tell you what they think you are worth. A ‘friend’ has recently done that to me too. They’ve already stamped you with their price. BUT don’t take it. Only you should be the one to set your bar, your rate and your worth.
Life’s weird. But I’ve learnt to see the snow storm as cleansing each time.
But anyway I’m vouching to keeping my blog updated every week now because there is loads of exciting stuff in the pipe line that I want to share with you!