It rained in April, it rained a lot, figuratively and literally. To be fair the beginning of the month was sunny but then I had to hold the umbrella up for the rest of the month to protect myself.
I named April “Starting to be happy” because it was the first month this year so far that I started to really let go of the negative energy that had been present previously. I started to really be conscious of the choices I was making and made every effort to start enjoying each week, no matter what landed on my plate.
A few things that got me through the showers:
- Good music! Honestly, music is so powerful being able to relate to a song and having a paradigm shift based on the beat. Having music that makes you bop your head, wave your hands in the air and sing at the top of your voice even if you can’t sing. Just releasing emotion and not caring about what other people think because your in that moment with that song. And then theres the relaxation music that takes you away, quietens the noise in your mind allows you to unwind without any worry.
- Trusting one person. I have a friend who I’ve grown to admire and trust loads. Our lives are in sync and she just gets me. Having one person can make all the difference in feeling like you can achieve what you want, having one person who doesn’t judge and is there by your side through the showers and the sunshine.
- Affirmations. For a few days I changed up the communication I was having with myself. I started to tell myself things that I wanted to be true, and low and behold things in my day started to shift.
- Not giving up. Despite everything that has been happening personally I have tried my hardest to not let it effect my business and in doing so I stretched my self and my skills: I organised, directed and executed a photo shoot in London which was probably the highlight of the month. It was a shoot for my brand and my friends helped me to produce some amazing content. Everyone had a great day which was really important to me and I realised that this is what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. Directing (my life), feeling proud, making people happy and being creative. …Not only that, but I have also started to learn how to build websites, (I’m currently building my own) and I initially got loads of stick for this. So many people (men) said to me that it was going to cost thousands, I wouldn’t be able to produce something of quality, it would effect sales blah blah blah! Well I cannot wait to launch the website and show everyone what I am capable of.
I’ve felt very insecure this month too, and I’m very aware of it. I’ve felt like I wasn’t good enough for people and that I have to achieve to be accepted which is something that I am working on. It makes me feel inadequate at times like I’ll be tossed to the side if I’m not doing well. Peoples actions have made me feel like that and I’m working very hard on changing that thought and really not doing it for anybody else but myself. Quite a few people have messaged me this month and said “oh it looks like you’re doing well”. If only they knew the battles that I fight on a daily basis. The battles of not feeling accepted, the constant tests and emotions.
I think I’m an honest person and I’m not afraid to show people the unpolished side of me. The goofy and vulnerable side. Now we’re going into May and I’ve really just let go. I just don’t give a sh*t about what people think of me and I’m going to do what makes me happy! It’s sort of counter intuitive though because I guess everyone just wants to be accepted, appreciated and loved by someone else. I suppose it gives people a meaning. Well I’m going to first accept myself so then I know how others should accept me.
I wonder how this year will plan out…I hope it’s towards my goals or at least close to them but if not then I hope it is simply filled with good memories and lots of smiles, contentment and peace.
So a lot has been shedded away and it’s time for a renewal. Pressing the reset button, clearing out the filter and ready to go!
(1 of my top tunes this month 😉 )